


my heart in the palm of your hands

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Doubt, Drama & Romance, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Miscommunication, Not Beta Read, Sexual Content, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-10-18 16:54:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20642516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Javi's visit during Autumn Classic is forcing Yuzuru to face a choice he didn't think he would have to make.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Little something for ACI, I hope you enjoy!  
Title stolen from 'Burn it down' by Billy Lockett  
Also the rating will go up to like... M. Or even E *crawls under the nearest rock*

Yuzuru almost forgot.

Brian mentioned it a few weeks back, an information thrown in the middle of an entirely different conversation.

_ Javi will stop by in September for some time, he has some work with David. _

Yuzuru's heart did a weird thing at that, a flip, a clench, and he was pretty sure he looked ridiculous, gaping and with eyes wide open. Brian smiled at him, as if he knew, but he didn't say anything more, continuing with the previous topic, but Yuzuru couldn't really focus again.

Was it really the truth? Javi would come, and he would be on the ice with Yuzuru again?

That didn't seem real, and Yuzuru wasn't sure how he was feeling about it. There was a thrill of excitement running up his spine and buzzing in his veins, but also there was something weird settling in his chest and stomach. Because it took him some time, a lot of time, to get used to Javi's absence. There was some kind of a balance, and it didn't hurt as much as it had used to, and now Yuzuru couldn't help but worry that Javi's appearing would make that fragile balance crumble, and Yuzuru had fought so much to get to where he was now.

He was thinking about it for days, but then no one mentioned Javi's name again, and Yuzuru shoved it to the back of his head. There were other things, things he could control, like his jumps, his training, and he for sure couldn't control the way his heart was acting with every thought of that certain someone.

And somehow, he forgot.

* * *

  


And then, he almost didn't notice.

He was leaving the locker room after practice, knowing that there would be a lot of people behind that door, greedy to take some photos, maybe a few words. It was so normal that Yuzuru didn't really pay attention to the voices surrounding him, to the clicking of cameras. But then he looked up, and saw a familiar figure just a few steps away, and his stomach churned with all the feelings he had been trying to silence for the past weeks, or maybe even longer.

And then, Javi looked at him and smiled, and Yuzuru felt something like million sparks bursting inside his chest. And in that moment, he forgot the struggles, and he forgot the complicated, because Javi was there, smiling, eyes shining and arms open. Yuzuru almost wasn't aware of the gasps around him, of David's laughter, and he just fell into Javi's embrace, and for a moment everything was quiet, and the only thing he was aware of was warm body pressed against his. He was pretty sure he said something, maybe Javi's name, maybe something else, the words leaving his mouth and making Javi laugh, his warm breathing tickling Yuzuru's ear. And for a moment it felt like during good old times, as if Javi was still competing and they were hugging after a good practice. But then there was a burst of sounds around them and Yuzuru remembered where he was, and he drew back, feeling his cheeks heating up.

"Hi." Javi smiled, kind and warm as always "How are you?"

Yuzuru didn't know what to say, at first, and he would rather fling himself into Javi's arms again, but now he was painfully aware of where they were standing, so he just brought his best smile, the one he knew looked sweet and innocent on photos, covering everything what was really going on inside him.

Whatever it was.

"Good! Why you here?" he asked, cringing mentally at his broken, high pitched English. He could do better than that, but somwhow in Javi's presence his abilities were going down.

"Have some work with David, I thought I'd stop by-" Javi said, and it seemed that he wanted to say something more, but then some lady approached him, saying something quietly, and Javi nodded, sending Yuzuru an apologetic glance.

"I'll catch you later. Good luck!"

And then he was gone, and Yuzuru had to fight with himself to keep on smiling for a few more minutes before he excused himself and ran for the nearest bathroom. He closed himself in a stall and leaned against the door, and he exhaled shakily, eyes closing. His heart was beating weirdly fast, so he pressed a palm to his chest, feeling strong, erratic rhythm.

It was too much, and he was feeling ridiculous, hiding in an empty bathroom like a teenager running away from his crush, and he would be annoyed with himself if it weren't for that overwhelming feeling that there was something new and terrifying blossoming in his chest.

"Come on, you idiot." he muttered to himself, rubbing circles over his breastbone "Come on, it's just Javi-"

His voice died in his throat and he gasped, hand coming to cover his mouth as the realization hit him, growing like a wave and flooding his entire body, making his limbs go weak.

Oh.

_ Oh. _

Yuzuru slowly slid down to the floor, trying to to make sense of what was happening, biting on his hand not to make any sound. It would be almost funny, if it weren't so damn scary, and Yuzuru almost laughed at all of that, despite his chest and throat being so clenched it hurt to breathe.

When Javi had left, it took Yuzuru months to get a grip on that new reality. He had used to dream about Javi returning, but lately he gave up those hopes, building everything from the scratch again.

And now, Javi was back, and instead of things getting better, Yuzuru felt like everything was about to fall apart, and he had no idea how to stop it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for any typos, I'm traveling rn and I'm posting from my phone, but I hope you will enjoy!

Yuzuru couldn't believe he had messed the sal, from all the jumps. 

He smiled tightly as he bowed and glided to the boards, his pulse still raging, sweat running down his temples. 

Was Javi there? Had he seen that? What did he think? 

He scrunched his nose when his score came up, not really surprised but disappointed all the same. Brian noticed his clear dissatisfaction and patted his back, smiling encouragingly. 

"Really good effort. Solid start of the season." 

"I wonder what Javi thinks." Yuzuru said gloomily, not really thinking it through, and he bit his tongue immediately, hoping that Brian didn't notice the slight change in the tone of his voice. 

"Well, I don't think he's here today, he mentioned yesterday that his schedule was packed today." 

Yuzuru’s heart clenched, and he didn't know if it was relief or disappointment. He still was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the new realization, that had come to him in the most unfortunate moment. He had a competition to focus on, despite everything that was going on inside him. 

Easier said than done. 

He got through all the procedures and interviews and hopped into a car, glad that he could sleep in his own bed. He was feeling puzzled, blood buzzing in his veins, and he was grateful that he could retreat to the quiet safety of his own bedroom. 

"You're not going to think about him." he told himself firmly as he was standing under the shower, hot water running down his body "Come on, don't be an idiot." 

But despite those words, Yuzuru couldn't help it, his thoughts running, swirling around that one thing, that certain someone who was making Yuzuru's heart go wild. He rubbed his chest in a vain attempt to ease a bit of that pressure, and he winced as he started to realize that those feelings weren't exactly new. 

There were there for so long Yuzuru was scared to think about it, because then he wouldn't be able to focus on anything else, and he couldn’t let that happen. 

"Yuzu, are you here?" 

Yuzuru flinched, surprised by his mother's voice accompanied by unusually loud knocking. 

"Yeah?" 

"You have a guest. We're in the kitchen."

Yuzuru narrowed his eyes, startled. Who could that be? Probably Brian or Ghislain with something important, and Yuzuru felt a spark of anxiety as he dried himself with a towel and put on his sleeping clothes, blushing a little at the slight awkwardness that would be talking with his coaches while wearing pajamas. 

He hurried to the kitchen but stopped abruptly at the door, his heart almost jumping out of his chest. 

"Hi." Javi said, smiling a bit sheepishly, fingers wrapped around Yuzuru’s favorite blue mug "I just wanted to check on you, I'm sorry for the late hour-" 

"Nonsense, it's lovely to see you, Javi." Yuzuru's mom said, her voice warm and honest "It's been a while, and I'm sure you want to talk. Yuzu, take Javi to your room maybe, I need to do some cleaning in here." 

Both his mom and Javi looked at him expectantly, and Yuzuru had to swallow the scream raising in his throat, and he did his best to smile cheerful while trying to take a few deep, discreet breaths. 

"Sure. Yeah. Follow me." 

When the door to Yuzuru's room closed, he realized with a sudden clarity that they had never done that, visiting each other, walking into each other's private space like that. It felt oddly intimate, and a bit suffocating, to have Javi there. 

"I'm really sorry for the hour." Javi repeated, still smiling "But I couldn't be there today and I just… wanted to check how you're doing."

"You could text." Yuzuru blurted out and Javi raised his eyebrows at that. 

"Well we're pretty bad at it." 

His tone was light, but there was something else, an undertone Yuzuru couldn't catch, and his heart skipped a beat as he shook his head quickly. 

"I'm sorry, I don't mean- I'm happy you're here, Javi. I just didn't expect." 

"Yeah." Javi chuckled, shrugging a bit awkwardly, but his smile was honest "Well, I just wanted to say- you did good, and I think I can make it tomorrow." he said and Yuzuru's heart stopped for a moment, but Javi continued, clearly not noticing how flustered Yuzuru was getting. 

"Anyway, just wanted to say- don't think about it too much. You did great."

"But it's the sal." Yuzuru whined quietly, his cheeks heating up a bit "It's shame, to do bad sal." 

"Hey." Javi said softly, taking step closer, and Yuzuru realized that they hadn't touched yet "It's okay, come here." 

Yuzuru’s heart was beating so hard he was afraid Javi could feel it, their chests pressed against each other, arms wrapped securely. But Javi didn't say anything, just hummed contentedly, nose nuzzling against Yuzuru’s temple, and Yuzuru felt himself relaxing, despite everything. 

Maybe it was complicated, and maybe Yuzuru was still feeling lost and overwhelmed, but hugging Javi always felt good, no matter what. 

They didn't say a word, and Yuzuru had no idea how many minutes passed, he just knew that he didn't want to let go, ever. 

He was feeling warmer with every second, and there was something, a feeling of boldness sparkling in Yuzuru’s chest, and he followed it helplessly. 

He nuzzle against Javi's neck, lips pressing to warm skin just above the collar of Javi's shirt. It was smooth and smelled like soap and a bit of salt, and Yuzuru was suddenly obsessed with a thought if it tasted the same way. So without much thinking, he pressed the tip of his tongue against Javi's pulse point. The sensation was tingling, and Yuzuru felt a shiver running down his spine, and he barely registered how Javi's breathing hitched, his hands curling on Yuzuru's shirt. 

Normally Yuzuru wouldn't even think of doing something like that, but he couldn’t think, not clearly, so he just stayed like that, feeling drunk on Javi's touch, his taste, his scent. 

"Yuzu." Javi murmured, voice quiet and heavy, and he put his hand on the back of Yuzuru's head, not pulling him closer, not pushing away, and everything inside Yuzuru trembled as he let his lips wander a bit higher, tracing Javi's neck with delicate kisses. 

Javi exhaled deeply, something like a whimper escaping his mouth, and Yuzuru felt one of Javi's hands sneaking under his t-shirt, pressing to hot skin of Yuzuru's back. 

Yuzuru’s senses were on fire, and he had no control over his body anymore. With his eyes half closed, he stood straight and leaned forward, until he could feel Javi's fluttering breath against his lips, and he waited, his heartbeat raging, air catching in his throat. 

But instead of Javi's mouth, Yuzuru felt gentle fingers touching his lips, and his eyes snapped open to see Javi's smile, strangled and so different from the one he had been wearing before. 

"I need to go." Javi whispered, his eyes distant, his voice strange "I… good luck tomorrow, Yuzu." 

He left quickly, almost running, and Yuzuru stood like that, alone and unmoved, until his senses started coming back to him. 

Well fuck. 

Yuzuru groaned as he threw himself on his bed, hiding his face in the pillows. He was feeling hot and tense, and his heartbeat was still far away from normal. Only now it was catching up to him, what he had done, and he shuddered with both excitement and embarrassment, because there was no way Javi would want to be around him anymore. 

_Maybe it's for the better_ he thought helplessly _Maybe if I don't see him, I can stop loving-_

Oh. Right. 

Yuzuru rolled on his back and opened his eyes, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Yuzuru didn't know much about loving people that way so far, but he knew one thing. 

For something what was supposed to be so beautiful, it hurt way too much. 

* * *

Yuzuru was tired, and disappointed. 

He lingered way too long in a shower, letting the water wash off his sweat and all those stupid feelings that were still suffocating him, cold and heavy inside his chest. He couldn't help but think about the conversation he had overheats a few hours earlier, David's voice hushed and Tracy's face full compassion. 

_"Poor boy, he doesn't have luck in love-" _

_"It's good he's here, maybe he will catch some distance." _

_"Oh I don't know_, _the song he suggested is so full of heartbreak, there is still something going on-" _

Yuzuru tried not to think what those words meant, but he just couldn't help it. They were ringing in his ears, loud and nagging, making his head spin. He knew it was pointless, thinking about it, imagining what could happen. Yuzuru didn't want to set himself for a heartbreak, and he just had to try his best to somehow survive Javi's visit, and then try and get rid of that dull ache of his heart. 

When he finally stepped out of the washroom and into the locker room he realized he was completely alone, and he winced when he checked the time. He quickly texted his mother that he would be at home late and started collecting his stuff, almost not registering quiet clicking of the door. 

"Hi." 

His whole body tensed, and he slowly turned around, his throat feeling incredibly tight. 

"What are you doing here?" he managed to ask and Javi shrugged, taking a hesitant step closer. 

"I saw you. You did so good." he said and Yuzuru flinched slightly, all the unpleasant feelings still too fresh. 

"Thanks." 

Javi didn't seem taken aback by all what had happened the day before, but for some reason he still looked a bit uncertain still, shifting his weight from one leg to another. 

"I was just wondering if you maybe would like to, I don't know, hang out a bit. It's still so early, so you could be home before night-"

Javi kept on talking, but Yuzuru could barely hear him, his thoughts rushing, blood circling faster in his veins. 

"Yes." 

Javi stopped mid-sentence, eyes widening a little bit. 

"Yes?" 

"I want to hang out. At your place." 

Javi gaped, his jaw slack, and he watched Yuzuru with eyes that were so familiar, but looking at him in entirely new way. 

"My… place?" 

Yuzuru could see his confusion, and he understood it. But he was tired, and he thought that maybe, maybe he could try. Just for that one night. 

"Yes." he murmured and Javi swallowed visibly, something unnamed running through his expression.

"Okay." he whispered and for a moment he looked almost vulnerable, his eyes dark and glistening as he stepped closer and reached for Yuzuru's hand "Okay." 

Maybe he could have at least that. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh I hope... you enjoy... Also pls look at the tags :p

It felt kind of surreal, like a scene from a movie Yuzuru had watched during one of countless flights. Him and Javi, in a back of the cab slowly making its way through the crowded city, the driver humming quietly from his seat, and Yuzuru was grateful that he wasn't trying to initiate some small talk. 

_What am I doing? _

He glanced at Javi, carefully, taking in his entire silhouette, his handsome face; his brow was furrowed, and he was biting his lip, clearly deep in thought, and Yuzuru's heart fluttered painfully. 

He wanted him so much. 

"So-" Yuzuru cleared his throat and Javi turned to look at him, his expression smoothening a little "You're going to stay here long?" 

Javi blinked slowly, as if he was wondering what to say, and then shrugged a bit awkwardly. 

"Two weeks. I think. I'm not sure." 

Yuzuru nodded, smiling tightly. Once again he remembered that it was only temporary, and that Javi would be leaving soon, leaving again, and Yuzuru would have to deal will all the aftermath himself. 

"How are- how are you? How are things in Spain?" he asked, recalling that conversation he had overheard earlier, and Javi winced, shifting in his seat a little bit. 

"Good. Everything's good." 

"What about-" Yuzuru trailed off, not sure how to ask. There was a moment of silence and Yuzuru's gaze dropped to Javi's lips, and he couldn’t stop wondering how would they feel against his own. 

Javi inhaled sharply, his jaw tensing a little and when Yuzuru looked up, he met his eyes that seemed darker than before. 

"Didn't work out." Javi said quietly and Yuzuru nodded silently, his heart skipping a beat. 

They didn't say a word for the next five minutes of the ride, and they didn't speak when they stepped out of an elevator on a ninth floor of Javi's hotel. And even without words, Yuzuru could feel the tension between then growing, and he could almost hear it, cracking in the air. He looked at Javi's hands when he was fumbling with the key card, and noticed that they were trembling slightly. Yuzuru wondered if the reason for that was stress or excitement, and the thought made his heart skip a beat. He couldn't think about it more, though, because the lock clicked quietly and they walked inside, Javi letting Yuzuru go first and closing the door behind them. 

The room was spacious, with a big window letting in a lot of light. It was still pretty early, and Yuzuru felt strangely vulnerable, not being able to hide anywhere. 

"I'm sorry for the mess." Javi chuckled, a bit nervously, and Yuzuru turned to look at him. The room was indeed a bit messy, already scattered with Javi's things, and Yuzuru thought that it was a lot of stuff and clothes for just two weeks. The bed looked pretty neat and clean though, and Yuzuru's throat itched as he was fully realizing what he was doing. 

He looked at Javi, they looked each other in the eyes, and Yuzuru was pretty sure that among all the feelings painted on Javi's face was also need, and Yuzuru figured it was enough. It was enough to know that Javi was feeling the same longing, even if it was just a physical thing. It was okay that Javi didn’t love him, his behaviour from the day before pretty clear for Yuzuru, but at least there was a bit of attraction, and Yuzuru figured that it had to be enough.

He deserved it, right? Just a few hours, if only Javi wanted it too. It didn't have to mean anything, at least not for Javi, and maybe if Yuzuru could have him, just for a moment, and then maybe he would be able to move on, to kill that awful longing that was crushing him from inside. 

"You okay?" 

Yuzuru blinked rapidly, realizing that he drifted away for a moment, and he shrugged awkwardly, meeting Javi's gaze again. Javi's smile was more relaxed now, and Yuzuru felt himself losing some tension too. 

In the end, it was Javi. There was no reason to be afraid, he was safe, he just had to keep his feelings to himself. 

"I'm okay." Yuzuru said quietly, taking a hesitant step closer "Thank you, for taking me here."

Another step closer, Javi's smile turning a bit more thoughtful. 

"Sure. But Yuzu-" 

Yuzuru didn't think. 

"Javi." he whispered, stopping close and taking Javi's face in his hands "You know why I'm here." 

Javi swallowed visibly, his eyes going wide, and Yuzuru's blood started circling faster, heart beating with excitement. For a moment Javi didn't say anything and all Yuzuru heard was Javi's rapid breathing before he swallowed again, lips parting. 

"I think I do." he said quietly "But Yu-" 

Yuzuru kissed him. 

It was so easy, just to lean forward a bit and feel rough warmth of Javi's lips, drink in his little gasps. It was addicting, the mixture of coffee and mint on Javi's tongue when he kissed Yuzuru back with a helpless whine, his hands coming to grasp Yuzuru’s hips. 

It was hungry and messy, and when they drew back to catch their breaths, Yuzuru's body was on fire, every nerve screaming to pull Javi closer again. 

Javi looked moved too, his cheeks flushed, pupils blown as he looked at Yuzuru. 

"I-" he licked his lips and Yuzuru shivered, a thrill running down his spine "Yuzu, I think we should, maybe… uh, talk?" 

His eyes were dark and warm and a little bit concerned, and it was such a Javi thing, wanting to make sure that everything was okay. It was one of many things Yuzuru loved him for, and he almost gave in. 

But if they talked it would start feeling too real, and Yuzuru would slip, and confess, and he wouldn't be able to have even that one stolen moment. 

So he shook his head and leaned in again, muffling whatever Javi was trying to say. Words were traitors, always, and Yuzuru desperately hoped that Javi would let that go, and his hopes came true a few moments later when they started slowly fumbling on their way to the bed. 

They fell on it without much grace, Javi on his back and Yuzuru on top of him, their lips still meeting clumsily, hands roaming and sneaking under their clothes, eager to touch bare skin. They kissed and kissed, and kissed, breathless, gasping quietly against each other’s lips, and Yuzuru had never felt more frantic, more dizzy, he had never felt that hot. With trembling fingers, he reached to the top of Javi’s shirt, fumbling with the buttons. 

“Mhh-mh.” Javi mumbled, arms wrapping around Yuzuru’s shoulders “Wait, wait-” he forced them both to sat up and Yuzuru drew back a little, panting, heart hammering. 

“Yeah?” he asked, swallowing hard, and Javi chuckled breathlessly, shaking his head.

“I just need-” he made a vague gesture before reaching for a small box on his bedside table. Yuzuru watched how Javi quickly took his contact lenses out, putting them away and looking back at Yuzuru, blinking slowly. He looked so soft like that, almost vulnerable, with his rumpled clothes and disheveled hair, cheeks flushed and almost shy smile playing on his lips. It felt like a dream, and suddenly Yuzuru felt a bit unsure too, despite the flame spreading in his chest, filling his veins and lungs. 

“I-” Javi smiled sheepishly, cheeks turning even more red “I don’t have anything?”

Yuzuru blinked, and he needed a moment to realize what Javi meant, and he felt himself blushing furiously too. 

“It’s okay.” he said “We can- we can work it out.”

Javi smiled, bright and warm, and Yuzuru just had to kiss him again, because yet again he was scared that he would say things he shouldn’t.

The kisses turned slower, deeper, as they they were undressing each other slowly, shirts falling to the floor first, and Javi’s breathing hitched when Yuzuru started working on his pants, but he didn’t say anything, just kept on looking at Yuzuru with his big eyes, and Yuzuru was trying his best to keep himself under at least a bit of control. 

It wasn’t like he had never seen Javi naked, of course. But it was the first time he could touch him like that, and it was the first time he was looking at him knowing that he loved him, he loved that beautiful man, and that it was his first and last chance to have him. 

Yuzuru’s heart was beating furiously as he slowly reached to touch bare skin of Javi’s stomach, his thighs, brush against his cock gently. 

“Oh.” Javi gasped, and the bit his lip, a few playful sparks dancing in his eyes “It’s not fair that I’m the only one fully naked.”

Yuzuru couldn’t help but chuckle at that, hands moving to the zipper of his pants. He was pretty hard already, and it was a bit of a struggle, but he sighed with relief when he was finally free, air feeling cool against his hot skin.

“Wow.” Javi gasped, his hand caressing Yuzuru’s thigh “You look-” he stopped, his expression softening, and Yuzuru’s heart almost jumped out of his chest, lips going dry.

“Yeah?” he pressed, crawling on top of Javi again and bracing himself on his elbows, leaning in so their noses were almost touching. 

Javi smiled, sweet and shy, and tangled his fingers in Yuzuru’s hair, locking their gazes together. 

“Perfect.” he whispered, and Yuzuru shuddered, a tremor running through his entire body. There was a small whisper escaping his lips, his facade almost crumbling, so he leaned down and kissed Javi hungrily, trying to shut his thoughts down and enjoy that, get lost in Javi’s warmth and scent and taste. It was sloppy and desperate, and after some time Yuzuru couldn’t help himself, shifting a bit and rolling his hips, gasping at the thrilling sensation.

“Uh, uh.” Javi mewled against his lips, one hand coming to squeeze Yuzuru’s ass as he started thrusting up a little, letting out quiet whimpers of pleasure. 

It was messy and a bit uncoordinated, rubbing against each other like teenagers, but Yuzuru loved it, he loved moving on top of Javi like that, kissing him, feeling his hot, sweaty skin under his palms. 

He lost track of time, only aware of the pleasure coiling in his stomach and the way Javi was writhing beneath him, but then Javi whined, loud and desperate, fingers digging into Yuzuru’s flesh.

“I- Yuzu, I-” he mumbled frantically, one hand moving to cup Yuzuru’s cheek and forcing him to look him in the eyes “Yuzu-” he almost sobbed, his thumb touching Yuzuru’s lips, and Yuzuru thought that he understood, that he knew what it was all about. So he smiled and dropped a kiss to Javi’s palm before moving down his body, settling in between Javi’s legs.

“I’ve got you.” he whispered, nuzzling against the base of Javi’s cock “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

“Yu- oh!” Javi yelped helplessly as Yuzuru took him in his mouth, sucking gently, marveling at the feeling. It was almost painful, the heavy intimacy of that act, Javi’s fingers tangled in Yuzuru’s hair, small whimpers escaping his lips, the way his thighs shook. It was gratifying, to know that he could make Javi feel so good, and his heart swelled with all the feelings flowing through his veins. 

“I’m, I’m going to-” Javi babbled, his body tensing, hand pushing at the top of Yuzuru’s head, as if to make him move away; Yuzuru didn’t stop, though, and kept on his ministrations until he felt Javi spilling down his throat. 

Javi’s body trashed violently, hands curling on the sheets, and Yuzuru kept him in his mouth until Javi whimpered brokenly, his body going limp. 

Yuzuru sat up slowly, his head spinning as if he was drunk, his cock aching as he looked down at Javi, sprawled helplessly in front of him, eyes closed and lips parted. He looked beautiful like that, strong and vulnerable at the same time, and Yuzuru couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized his feelings sooner, like an idiot he was.

Would it change anything, though?Would he ever be able to get something more than that, a quiet afternoon in Javi’s hotel bed?

He didn’t want to think about it, not when his body was trembling with need, his skin burning. 

He grabbed Javi’s legs, bringing them together, and he moved to straddle his thighs. He braced his hands on the bed and taking a deep breath before pushing in between Javi’s legs, moaning at the sensation. Javi gasped quietly, opening his eyes, dark and blurry and so full of affection Yuzuru felt his heart shattering. 

He was desperate now, chasing his release, and Javi kept on holding him, moaning softly when Yuzuru brushed over his sensitive cock, and it felt so good, and he was so close-

“I’ve got you.” Javi whispered, touching Yuzuru’s cheek gently “Come on, I’ve got you.”

Yuzuru’s orgasm came to him like a wave, warm, strong, suffocating, and he felt like thrown under water, air leaving his lungs, muscles trembling as his body shook with overwhelming pleasure. He slumped on Javi’s chest, limp and breathless, and he was barely aware of Javi’s hands stroking his back, soothing him through the aftershocks. 

They didn’t say a word, and they didn’t move, and it took Yuzuru forever, to slowly come back to his senses, to realize where he was and what he had done. 

Oh.

Yuzuru was lying on top of Javi still, face hidden in the crook of his neck, and he heard how Javi’s breathing was turning slow and deep, as if he was falling asleep, and he knew he couldn’t do it anymore, because there was something terribly cold growing in his chest again, such a contrast to a pleasant tingling in his limbs. 

He rolled off of Javi carefully and got up almost immediately, collecting his clothes with frantic fingers. On the bed, Javi made a sleepy, questioning sound before sitting up slowly, but Yuzuru didn’t look at him, busy with putting his clothes on, wincing when his underwear immediately sticked to his skin.

“Wait, what-?” Javi mumbled, clearly confused “You don’t have to go, you can shower here if you want, and-”

“I’d rather go.” Yuzuru said, putting his pants on and reaching for his shirt “Uh, mom will worry.”

That was a lie, since he had messaged his mother he would hang out with Javi, and by the way Javi inhaled sharply, he knew it was a lie too.

“Yuzu, have I done something wro-”

_No, I just love you. It’s not your fault. _

“No, no.” Yuzuru said, and finally found enough courage to look at Javi. He wished he hadn’t, because Javi was looking at him with those big, confused eyes, and Yuzuru felt like his heart was going to break his own ribs.

“Thank you, Javi.” he managed to say “For… for that one time. Really.”

Javi blinked slowly, and then his face crumpled.

“What?” he asked helplessly, and it seemed like he wanted to get out of the bed, but he stayed there, his eyes wide and shining, and Yuzuru felt terrible. Even though it was meant to be just that one damn time, Javi deserved better than Yuzuru basically running away and making things so terribly awkward. Javi deserved all the smiles, and a dinner together, and making sure that everything was fine between them. But Yuzuru was weak, and he was scared, scared of how much he felt, scared of breaking his heart even more. So he only smiled tightly, quickly grabbing his jacket and running his hand through his hair.

“I need to go.” he said, taking a step back “I’ll- I’ll see you soon, right?”

“You-” Javi swallowed visibly and sighed, his shoulders dropping “Yeah.” he said flatly “I will see you soon.”

Yuzuru nodded, giving Javi one more weak smile before leaving quickly, his heart pounding and scream raising in his throat. 

He started crying in the backseat of a cab, tears rolling down his cheeks as he tried to be as quiet as possible, pressing his hand to his mouth to muffle his sobs. 

“Everything okay?” the driver asked with sincere concern, meeting Yuzuru’s gaze in a mirror “Do you want me to park-”

“No.” Yuzuru choked out, shaking his head “Please, just take me home.”

“Of course.” the driver said, his blue eyes filled with gentle sympathy “It’s all going to be okay.” he offered and Yuzuru almost laughed at that hysterically.

“I’m not so sure.” he mumbled “But thank you.”

Nothing was going to be okay. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides in the deepest corner of the universe*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well as you can see I changed the chapter count, so this is not the last one! Hope you enjoy!

Javi was avoiding him.

Five days had passed since their last… meeting, and Yuzuru had not seen Javi even once, despite hearing from other people that he was coming to the club almost every day.

Yuzuru had no idea what to do.

It wasn't what he had wanted, and it was burning inside of him, regret that he messed everything up mixing with the hot memory of their shared pleasure. It was keeping him awake at nights, vivid images filling his head, and he could almost feel the smoothness of Javi's skin, hear his loud cries of pleasure.

Yuzuru touched himself to those memories, falling apart on his own, body shuddering and tears running down his face.

He had been so afraid of letting Javi know about his feelings, but it seemed that his behavior hurt Javi anyway. And Yuzuru had no idea what to do, because he didn't want Javi to disappear from his life, but he also didn't know how to act anymore. Even if he couldn't have Javi the way he wanted to, he still needed him, and he needed to know that not all was destroyed.

So on Friday session he asked Brian about Javi's schedule, blushing a bit at the fond smile his coach gave him before answering.

"He has some ice time in two hours. He wants to show some quads on Japan Open, apparently." Brian chuckled, eyes twinkling "You know, maybe I will put you on a similar schedule next week so you could see each other more, what do you say?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru said with difficulty, lips dry and tongue stiff "Sounds great. Thanks, Brian!"

He spent good half an hour in the washroom, letting hot water pour on him as he stared at the tiled wall in front of him, determination growing inside his chest. He would wait for Javi, and apologize for acting weird, he would offer him coffee and he would be smiling, no matter how much it might hurt. He needed to know if Javi was okay and if they could go back to where they had been before.

He waited for almost an hour, sitting in a corner of the locker room, his heart skipping a beat every time someone walked inside, greeting him with a smile, sometimes trying to pull him into a small talk, but he brushed them away as politely as possible, too nervous to try and be social.

And then, a few minutes after four pm, the door clicked once again and Javi walked in, stopping immediately when he saw Yuzuru, his lips parting. He looked a bit pale, shadows under his eyes, and his gaze almost anxious as he searched Yuzuru’s face.

Yuzuru opened his mouth, but he couldn’t really speak, his throat so tight, so he coughed quietly, standing up clumsily, feeling his face turning hot.

“Hi.” He managed to say after a few seconds of awkward silence, and Javi winced, breaking the eye contact and looking at some spot close to Yuzuru’s left ear.

“Hi.” He muttered, dropping his bag on a bench on the other side of the room, as far from Yuzuru as possible. It was awkward and heavy, the silence between them as Javi was slowly taking his training clothes out of his bag, Yuzuru watching him with his heart beating so painfully hard he almost couldn’t breathe. It was overwhelming, Javi’s presence, his reserved movements, the way he was refusing to look at Yuzuru, his expression clouded and unreadable.

“Could you-” Javi made a quick gesture with his hand, still not looking at Yuzuru, and it took Yuzuru a moment to realize that he was asking him to turn around.

It was like a stab to the heart, and Yuzuru felt his limbs go weak as he slowly turned to face the lockers, his pulse ringing in his ears. It was a proof of how uncomfortable Javi was feeling in his presence, because during all the years of training together he had never shied away like that.

_Just a few days ago, I held you naked in my arms. Now, you can’t even look at me._

He barely heard how Javi cleared his throat before closing his locker, and Yuzuru flinched, turning around slowly, knowing that it was his last chance, that he had to do something.

“I was waiting for you.” He blurted out and Javi tensed visibly before finally looking at Yuzuru.

Only now Yuzuru noticed that Javi looked a bit thinner than before, or maybe his clothes were a little bit too big for him. But Yuzuru couldn’t linger on that for longer, because he moved his gaze to Javi’s face and he shuddered at the amount of emotions he saw there, too many to decipher them all; but he saw hurt, and distance, and something like longing, and he had no idea what it all meant.

“Why?” Javi’s voice was quiet and a bit tired “Did something happen?”

“Of course it-” Yuzuru squeaked, his voice pathetically high “Javi, I- I want to talk about, um, before. Apologize for being weird.”

It sounded awkward, but Javi was the most understanding person in the world, so there was no way he wouldn’t forgive-

“It’s okay.” Javi said flatly “I need to go.” He moved to walk away and Yuzuru gasped, his body working on instincts.

“Wait.” He pleaded, reaching for Javi’s hand, and he could swear there was a crack of electricity when their fingers touched “Javi, wait-”

Javi took a deep, slow breath before gently shaking Yuzuru’s hand from his and looking at Yuzuru with the strained, barely there imitation of a smile.

“I’m okay. It’s all good. We don’t have to talk, I understand everything. Now, I really need to go-”

“Javi.” Yuzuru basically begged, feeling tears gathering in the corners of his eyes “Javi, I’m sorry that I did it wrong, but-”

Javi laughed, a short, ugly, unhappy sound, and his eyes were shining, as if he was about to cry too.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Yuzu. It’s my own fault, for… imagining too much. I just need a few days, okay?”

Yuzuru just shook his head, a silent protest, because it didn’t make sense at all, he didn’t understand, and he just wanted Javi back. It hurt, to see Javi so upset, and knowing that somehow he was the reason for that, and Yuzuru’s heart was breaking, too full of love and guilt and confusion.

He couldn’t make a sound, but for some reason Javi didn’t say a word; he just kept on looking at Yuzuru, and after a moment his expression softened and he smiled, honest and almost happy.

“You know, I’ve never been with a man, before you.” He said quietly “And I’ve never fallen in l-” He stopped himself, and Yuzuru felt like the ground was shifting under his feet, the air cracking, his blood almost freezing and then almost boiling as he tried to make sense of what he just heard, what Javi was just about to say.

_No, no, no, how-_

He couldn’t move, and he couldn’t talk, so he only watched silently as Javi nodded slowly, as if to himself, before leaving the room quietly.

It didn't make sense, and Yuzuru didn't understand, his brain awfully blank as he slowly walked out of the room and out of the club. He turned his footsteps to the bus stop nearby, but then he stopped and shook his head, and decided that he would rather walk home, the thought of being surrounded by so many strangers in a tiny space making him feel extremely anxious.

His heartbeat was still too fast, and it would be worrying if Yuzuru could think about himself in that moment. But no, he couldn't, because it was as if his mind was surrounded by a thick ball of cotton, not letting him form a coherent thought.

_I’ve never been with a man, before you._

Yuzuru felt so sick he was afraid he would throw up, but he inhaled deeply through his mouth, desperately trying to get a grip.

He had never, not in a single moment, thought that Javi... that Javi could have feelings for him too. Yuzuru had been so caught up in his freshly realized emotions that he didn't even consider that option, too sure that he knew Javi well enough.

But apparently he had been wrong, so, so wrong, and he had no idea how to act now, how to feel about it.

_And I’ve never fell in l-_

Did Javi love him? Really loved him, and had no idea that Yuzuru loved him back, and was hurt and confused and sure that it had been only a simple one time thing.

It hadn't been an option, ever. It was supposed to be only him, being hurt, the only one with too many feelings, and not both of them, and it was a mess, it was a terrible, awful mess, and Yuzuru's eyes blurred with tears as he focused on the pavement under his feet, trying to breathe and get home without breaking down in public.

"Yuzu? Sweetheart, are you okay?" His mom asked the moment he walked in and took his shoes off "You look so pale-"

"I'm-"

He intended to tell her he was okay, but he couldn't really lie to her, he never could. And when he looked at her, at her concerned face and her eyes full of love, he just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Mom." He sobbed, feeling tears running down his face, hot and fast "Mom-"

"Come here." She said, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into a hug, her palm rubbing his back soothingly "It's okay, you're home and it's all okay."

Yuzuru cried on her shoulder until his eyes were dry and sore, and his throat was hurting a little bit. He was exhausted and numb, and he didn't even feel embarrassed about the scene he had just thrown.

"Come." His mom said, touching his cheek gently and wiping his tears away "I will make you some tea, and we will talk."

Talk. Some time before, Yuzuru would have been terrified at the thought of talking to his mom about his feelings, about his intimate life. But now, sitting in their spacious kitchen, his favourite blue mug in his hands, it suddenly felt like the best option.

It was his mom, in the end. Probably the only person he knew he could trust with anything.

"What is it all about, Yuzu?" She asked softly, and Yuzuru flinched, looking at her from above his mug.

"I'm in love with Javi."

It was a simple thing to tell her. She knew that he liked men, she had known for a long time, and now she didn't seem surprised. Instead, she smiled gently, reaching to touch his hand.

"He's a wonderful person." She said warmly, and Yuzuru closed his eyes for a moment, his feelings threatening to suffocate him.

"He is." He admitted quietly "And I think... I think he loves me too."

A moment of silence, and then her quiet laughter.

"It doesn't sound like a reason to cry, Yuzu."

His eyes snapped open and he looked at his mom, her gentle smile, and he wished it was that simple. Because knowing that Javi had feelings for him too was making everything even more complicated. Yuzuru hadn't expected that, hadn't thought that it was an option, and he was starting to realize that he was facing a choice that would influence his whole life.

"I hurt him real bad, mom." He whispered and she frowned, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"He doesn't... he doesn't know how I feel about him."

"And why don't you tell him, Yuzu? Since you're sure he loves you back?"

"Because-" Yuzuru said with difficulty, feeling like he was about to cry again "Because this would... what would I do? What would everyone say? How-" His voice cracked a little "How would my life look like? I'm... I-" He couldn't speak anymore, everything coming back to him again stronger, with more intensity.

_The way Javi smiled at him that day, his hair sticking in all directions, soft and intimate._

_Cameras flashing around him, thousands of strangers screaming his name, and he just wanted to go home._

_Javi's dark eyes filled with sadness and hurt, shining with unshed tears._

_People-_

"Yuzu." His mom said quietly, squeezing his hand "You need to talk to him."

"I don't know what to tell him, mom." He choked out and she shook her head, smiling.

"You do, Yuzu." she said quietly "You do."

And Yuzuru knew it was the truth; that despite the threat of a scandal, and all the difficulties, deep inside he knew what he wanted to do.

The question was if he wasn't too late.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... you can't trust me, because it's not the final chapter either, we will have one more! I hope you enjoy! Also all the love for Mary_the_gardener for betaing this piece ❤️

"Call me if you'll need me to pick you up." Yumi said, smiling at Yuzuru and squeezing his hand "Or if you won't come home today." 

"Okay." Yuzuru nodded almost hysterically, looking at the entrance of the club and swallowing pleas to take him home. He didn't have ice time that day, but he knew that Javi had a session that should be ending just now. 

They had met just the day before, and Yuzuru was still feeling raw and vulnerable, but he knew that he couldn’t wait longer to have a talk with Javi, to make that attempt to get things right. He had to try and fix it, no matter how scary it was and what Javi could say, and what could happen. 

“Good luck, sweetheart.” His mom said and Yuzuru made his best effort to smile at her before leaving the car. His palms were sweating as he walked to the entrance, greeted the receptionist and walked straight to the locker room, praying silently that Javi would be there, alone. 

Yuzuru hadn’t slept all night, staring at the ceiling and trying to plan, trying to figure out what to say and what outcomes it could bring. And in the end, he was sure of one thing - that he had to tell Javi the truth. He had to be honest, and then wait for Javi to forgive him and then… then they would have to decide what was coming next. 

When he entered the locker room, it was totally empty, but Yuzuru could hear the loud sound of running water coming from the washroom, and he could feel himself getting a bit hot, his cheeks warming up, his fingertips tingling. He swallowed hard over his suddenly dry throat and sat down on one of the benches stiffly, his palms grasping his knees. He was nervous and quiet, his heartbeat quicker than usual, his thoughts running around; but there was also determination, settled somewhere deep inside his bones, telling him not to back away now.

He loved Javi. 

And there was such a big possibility - no, he was almost certain that Javi loved him too.

Now, they both had to find out if they had enough courage to be together.

The water stopped, and so did Yuzuru’s heart, for the briefest of moments, and he was just sitting there, listening to Javi’s quiet humming, the sound so familiar he almost forgot what had happened, and he felt like he was twenty again, just stalling a bit longer so they could walk to the parking lot together. But that wasn’t the reality now, because now Yuzuru was older, and there was more things than just plain sympathy between him and Javi. 

Yuzuru’s heart almost jumped out of his chest when he saw Javi exiting the washroom, towel draped loosely around his waist, wet hair sticking in every direction. He seemed pretty relaxed, but then he saw Yuzuru and he froze, his face morphing into surprise, eyes going wide, shoulders tensing. He opened his mouth as if to say something but in the end he just stared, his lips pressing into a tight line as he watched Yuzuru with eyes that were supposed to be unreadable, but Yuzuru could see so much confusion and sadness in them that he almost couldn’t speak.

But he knew what he had to.

“Hi, Javi.” He said, quiet and soft “We need to talk.”

“I don’t think so.” Javi said, slowly walking towards his locker and opening it “I think you were quite clear-”

“I wasn’t.” Yuzuru said and Javi stopped mid-movement, the muscles of his naked back trembling as he inhaled deeply, and Yuzuru knew he had to continue “I- I need to tell you, Javi. Because I didn’t… I messed up. Real bad.”

He felt like his English was starting to fail him so he stopped for a moment to collect his racing thoughts, and he watched as Javi turned around slowly, his eyes huge, and he didn’t pretend to be stone-cold anymore. 

“I need you to be super clear with me, Yuzu.” He said quietly, his eyes boring into Yuzuru’s soul “Because I can’t- I can’t keep on guessing what you mean, and I can’t-” His voice cracked at the end and he looked exactly like those few days before, sitting in his hotel bed and watching helplessly how Yuzuru was putting his clothes on with hurry. There was confusion and sadness, and a bit of hurt, and Yuzuru’s heart swelled so much, with love and guilt and hope, that he couldn’t speak, and he almost couldn’t breathe. 

He took a careful step closer and Javi didn’t move, watching him silently, so Yuzuru took another one, an one more, until he was standing right in front Javi, so close he could feel the warmth radiating from his body. With a trembling hand, Yuzuru reached to touch Javi’s cheek, his skin almost burning Yuzuru’s palm. Javi trembled a little, his eyelids fluttering, and Yuzuru swallowed hard, desperately trying to find the words, but Javi was quicker than him.

“What do you mean?” Javi asked, so quiet Yuzuru could barely catch it. 

Slowly, he moved even closer, carefully resting his forehead against Javi’s, their lips so close they were almost brushing, their breaths mingling. 

“I don’t want a one night thing.” Yuzuru whispered and Javi’s breathing hitched, but he didn’t say anything, and they just stood like that, Yuzuru had no idea for how long. He was filled with some trembling energy, hope vibrating in his chest because Javi hadn’t pulled back, hadn’t tried to break the contact, just stood there, breathing against Yuzuru’s lips. 

“I need to change.” He muttered finally, and Yuzuru felt Javi’s fingers touching his collarbone gently, and he snapped back to reality. 

“Okay.” He whispered, forcing himself to take a step back and smile “I will- I will wait in the lobby.”

Javi smiled slightly at that, nodding, and Yuzuru noticed in his eyes the same hope he was feeling himself. 

He went to the lobby and sat on one of the comfortable chairs in there, and after a moment he took out his phone, texting his mom that he didn’t know when he would come home and that he would call her in case of emergency. Then he put his phone on silent, threw it into the pocket of his jacket, and took a deep breath. 

It was good. Javi hadn’t kicked him out, and he clearly wanted to talk, And clearly, he… he was hoping for something too.

“Hi Yuzu, what are you doing here?”

Yuzuru blinked rapidly, startled, and looked up to see Jason smiling at him brightly.

“Uh, hi! I can ask the same. Are you feeling okay?”

“Better.” Jason shrugged, still smiling “Not the start of the season I was hoping for, but could’ve always been worse, right-”

Jason kept on babbling and Yuzuru kept on smiling politely until he noticed Javi standing a few metres away, looking at him with his head tilted and an almost fond expression. His own expression must have changed, because Jason stopped talking abruptly, turning around to check what was the reason.

“Oh.” He gasped, and then looked at Yuzuru again, his smile softer “I will see you soon, Yuzu.” He said gently and then walked away, nodding at Javi. 

It was almost as if the time had stopped, as they kept on looking at each other, and Yuzuru felt like in a dream when he finally stood up and walked over to Javi, his whole body feeling warm and tense. 

“Are you hungry?” Javi asked suddenly, and Yuzuru stilled, surprised, and then shook his head, his stomach so clenched he wouldn’t be able to eat anything. 

“Me neither.” Javi said, and Yuzuru could almost hear a distant trace of laughter in his voice “Then come.”

They walked to the bus stop in silence, and they didn’t exchange a word even when they stepped into athe? bus that Yuzuru knew was going to Javi’s hotel. 

Javi took a window seat, resting his head against the glass and closing his eyes for a moment; he looked tired, and Yuzuru understood, because he was tired too. And without really thinking, he reached for Javi’s hand, closing it between his two palms and bringing it to his lips, leaving a kiss over Javi’s knuckles. 

Javi gasped quietly, opening his eyes and looking at Yuzuru with warmth and so many other emotions Yuzuru couldn’t decipher. And then, Javi reached with his other hand and touched Yuzuru’s face with so much gentleness Yuzuru felt like he could cry. He nuzzled into Javi’s hand, and they stayed like that, quiet, never losing eye-contact until they reached their stop. 

Javi’s room was a little bit less messy than before, but there still were piles of clothes on the chairs and on the closed suitcase. But the light filling the room was the same as those few days before, bright and warm.

“So-” Javi cleared his throat as they stood in the middle of the room, a little awkward but somehow smiling, even if just a little bit. “So, Yuzu… is this the part where we finally talk?”

Javi’s smile was a bit anxious, and Yuzuru’s heart stuttered as he swallowed hard, nervous.

It was scary. It was so scary, to just take his own heart and put its fate into Javi’s hands. 

But it was the right thing to do. 

He just had to be brave.

“I realized I love you a few days ago. After you hugged me, at the competition.”

Javi inhaled sharply, but didn’t say anything, his lower lips trembling a bit, and Yuzuru felt like his own heart was going to break through his ribs and jump out of his chest, but he needed to keep on talking, he needed Javi to fully understand. 

“I didn’t- I didn’t even think that there was a possibility of you loving me back. I didn’t, and I just… I just wanted to have you, for a moment. To know how it feels like. And Javi… I’m so sorry. I should do it better. It wasn’t fair.” 

He let the words leave his mouth without really thinking, and he knew that his grammar and accent were all over the place, but Javi seemed to understand, his expression changing constantly, and the he chuckled suddenly, with something like disbelief. 

“You love me?”

“I do.” Yuzuru said quietly, looking Javi straight in the eyes “So much it scares me, and I don’t know what-”

He couldn’t finish, because suddenly Javi was right in front of him, taking his face in his hands and kissing him. Yuzuru gasped and grabbed Javi’s shoulders, kissing him back, a little bit clumsy but perfect, not really desperate but charged with emotions. It was over way too soon, Javi drawing back a little, and Yuzuru wanted to protest but then he got a good look at Javi’s face and everything inside him trembled with anticipation. 

“You’re such an idiot, Yuzu.” Javi murmured, sweeping his thumb along Yuzuru’s jaw “But it’s a good thing that I’m so in love with you.”

Yuzuru didn’t have a chance to answer, because they kissed again, until they couldn’t breathe, and they kissed even more until Yuzuru was dizzy and floating, and he still needed more. 

“Javi-” He mumbled, and gasped when Javi hummed quietly against his mouth, nipping on his bottom lip a little before pulling back and brushing away Yuzuru’s bangs. His smile was tender and his eyes were a bit wet. He took Yuzuru’s hand and gently tugged him on the bed, when they both lay down on their sides, facing each other. 

Yuzuru almost couldn’t believe it was really happening, that despite all the doubt and fear and hurt they were there. 

And they loved each other. Javi loved him. 

“You make this funny face when you’re deep in thought.” Javi murmured, pressing his finger in between Yuzuru’s eyes and then slowly tracing it down his face, caressing his nose, his cheek, and then pressing his fingertips to Yuzuru’s lips. 

“I could tell that something was off.” Javi said quietly “But I guessed I wanted you too much, and then-” His voice faltered a little and Yuzuru felt guilt flooding him all over again, and he blinked quickly, feeling like he was about to cry, even though he was feeling also happy and astonished. But also, he was feeling a bit exhausted, all the sleepless nights and worry coming back to him. It must have been visible on his face, all of that, because Javi smiled softly and moved even closer, cradling Yuzuru in his arms. 

“It’s okay.” he whispered against Yuzuru’s hair, “We’re okay, we’re going to be okay.”

And as Yuzuru quickly drifted away to sleep, he thought they yeah- they would be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I'm a disaster and this story evolved so you will have a short epilogue soon  
2) some smut and top Yuzu ahead, if it ain't your taste then I hope you will give it a chance anyway :p  
Hope you enjoy!

When Yuzuru woke up, the first thing he realized was the presence of a steady heartbeat right under his ear, strong and calm. Then, he noticed that the room was filled with the orange light of sunset, and third, there was an arm wrapped around his waist, keeping him close.

Ah. Javi.

Yuzuru blinked a few times, getting rid of the remains of sleep, and then he raised his head a little from where it was resting on Javi's chest, his heart skipping a beat when he met Javi's gaze.

"Hello." Javi said quietly, squeezing Yuzuru's waist "You slept good?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru cleared his throat "Was it long?"

"I think around four hours. I woke up a few minutes ago."

Yuzuru nodded, his brain still waking up. Somehow those few hours of sleep were enough to make him feel rested, despite some sleepless nights leading to it. Maybe sleeping in Javi's arms was the key, Yuzuru wondered as he carefully reached to touch the tender skin under Javi's eyes, the shadows there a bit less visible than before, but still there, and Yuzuru wondered if Javi had been suffering as much as him.

Knowing him - and his heart - probably yes.

Yuzuru kept on tracing Javi's features, his eyebrows, nose, lips, and Javi smiled at that, his mouth parting a little and catching Yuzuru's fingertips. Yuzuru chuckled quietly, feeling bubbles forming in his chest, little sparks of happiness warming him up from inside.

"It's all real." He whispered, and when Javi blinked in confusion Yuzuru realized he had said that in Japanese. But instead of repeating that in English, he just licked his lips before slowly leaning in for a kiss.

It was careful and chaste, close-mouthed and timid, but it still sent shivers down Yuzuru's spine, and he gasped quietly, shifting his body so now he was fully laying on top of Javi, one hand tangling in his hair. Javi didn't seem to mind that position in the slightest, because his arm around Yuzuru's waist tightened as if he would have liked to pull him even closer, if it were possible.

The kisses soon stopped being innocent, lips parting, and Yuzuru felt dizzy, licking into Javi's mouth and feeling his muffled groan of pleasure. Yuzuru knew that he should probably stop, and that they should talk, talk about their feelings and what was going to happen, but he didn't want to draw back even for a second, Javi's body feeling too good against his, his mouth too warm and welcoming.

And then, his stomach growled, and Yuzuru yelped, pulling away only to hide his face in the crook of Javi's neck, squealing in embarrassment. Javi laughed and massaged Yuzuru's scalp for a moment before carding through his hair loosely.

"I can run to the store downstairs." Javi offered and Yuzuru only whined quietly, wrapping his arms around Javi, whose body started shaking with barely suppressed laughter.

"Come on." He chuckled, pressing a kiss to Yuzuru's temple "Ten minutes top."

Yuzuru didn't really want to let go, but he couldn’t deny being hungry, so he sighed deeply before sitting up slowly. Javi sat up as well, his eyes sparkling as he moved his hand to Yuzuru's cheek, holding him in place as he leaned in for one short, sweet kiss.

"I'll be back in a moment." He said, and Yuzuru watched how he quickly put his shoes and jacket on, his heart growing and growing with some warm, giddy energy.

"Ten minutes." Javi promised again, smiling brightly before leaving the room. Yuzuru giggled to himself quietly, before hopping out of the bed and pacing to the bathroom where he washed his face and used Javi's mouthwash, feeling like laughing all the time. He could barely believe it was really happening, but when he looked into the mirror, the person he saw there was happy and bright and so, so in love.

Back in the room, he once again texted his mother, telling her that he would call in the morning, and he turned the phone off. Then his gaze fell on an electric kettle standing on a small table, and he smiled widely. The hotel staff was nice enough to stack the room with cups and a few kinds of tea-bags; not perfect, but tea was always good. So when Javi came back a few minutes later, Yuzuru smiled at him, tapping one of the cups.

"I made you black tea." He said and Javi's eyes twinkled with gratitude and amusement.

"And I brought you some snacks. Well, fruits and cookies, I hope it's okay?"

"Perfect."

They took one of the bed covers that had been lying rumpled on one of the chairs, and they splayed it on the ground, as if they were about to have a picnic. They settled down, not talking much, stealing glances at each other and smiling foolishly as they were eating, sharing the food silently. It was warm and good and comfortable, and Yuzuru would be content with spending hours like that, but he also wanted more, more kisses, and they needed to talk, because he knew that the hardest part was still ahead of them.

Javi seemed to know that too, because when he finished munching on his apple he smiled, just a little bit nervously, and then reached to take Yuzuru's hand.

"So-" He hummed, shifting a little bit closer "I guess it's high time for a long and serious talk?"

"I guess." Yuzuru nodded before taking a deep breath "Javi, I'm so sor-"

"No, no." Javi shook his head, squeezing Yuzuru's hand a bit tighter "It's okay, now. I... I understand. I've been quiet about my own feelings for long, and I get... I know that it's not easy."

He was still smiling, but Yuzuru's heart clenched painfully, mouth opening in surprise.

"Wh-" He swallowed hard "How- how long?"

"Hmm." Javi hummed, his smile turning soft and vulnerable "A year, I think."

"A year?" Yuzuru breathed out, stunned, and Javi laughed shortly, looking almost embarrassed, while Yuzuru felt like his brain was about to shut down.

It didn't make sense to him. They had barely seen each other during the past year, and nothing special really happened, there was no big event nor talk longer than maybe ten minutes. But now Javi was telling him that for all that time, he had been in love with him?

"I had no idea." Yuzuru muttered and Javi shrugged.

"I'm good at hiding."

That one sentence felt like a small but deep stab to Yuzuru's heart, because he had never gotten a clue. Javi was so much harder to read than people thought, because he was always covering everything with a smile; and he was smiling now too even though there was the smallest flicker of pain visible in his eyes.

"You are." Yuzuru said, his voice sounding like a weak squeak. He felt like he should say something more, but he couldn't, throat tight and chest burning; but Javi only shook his head and leaned forward to kiss Yuzuru's cheek.

"It's all good, now." He whispered, looking at Yuzuru's face again, "But we need to talk, Yuzu. About what happens now. I know that I'm ruining the mood, but we… I need things to be clear, between us. I need to be completely sure, and I hope you understand it."

"I do." Yuzuru nodded, but he could feel himself blushing a little. Javi was so collected and mature, while Yuzuru felt mildly childish with his lack of experience in serious relationships.

"So-" Javier started again, taking a sip of his tea, one hand still holding Yuzuru's, "You know that I have to go back to Spain soon. I can stay here a little longer, actually-" he laughed sheepishly "I brought enough clothes for a month or so. But I have my responsibilities, just like you have yours."

"I understand." Yuzuru said quietly, because he had thought about it, he had thought about it a lot, and he had a clear idea of how their life would look like "And Javi, I hope you understand that I can't... right now I can't... tell anyone." he stammered, closing his eyes, his cheeks flaming.

It was hard, to voice that, but he hoped that Javi understood. Because Yuzuru still had so many things to do, and he wasn't done, and he silently begged Javi not to make him choose.

His eyes were still closed, but he could hear Javi's quiet laughter, and then there was a warm hand on his forehead, touching him gently.

"Of course you can't." Javi said quietly, with maybe just a hint of sadness, "But I've got you now, so I guess it's a win anyway, right?"

Yuzuru felt a sob raising in his throat, but the sound was muffled by Javi's lips on his, warm and gentle, although the kiss itself was tasting just a little bit of hunger and desperation, and Yuzuru gasped, eyes opening and lips parting as he kissed Javi back, still marvelling at the fact that he could, he really could.

He had no idea how long they kept on just making out like that, still sitting on the floor, empty cups and bags scattered around them, and it was perfect, so perfect that Yuzuru didn't want to stop ever; but then he somehow ended in Javi's lap, and he groaned loudly when their groins met, and he broke the kiss, gasping for air.

"Oh." He chuckled breathlessly and Javi grinned, but then his expression turned a little bit more serious "Yuzu-" he stopped, swallowing hard, his hands squeezing Yuzuru's waist lightly "So... uhh..."

Javi was clearly flustered and Yuzuru felt a bit anxious, hoping that all the doubts were behind them now.

"Yeah?" He asked, carding his fingers through Javi's hair and then resting his hand on Javi's nape "Everything okay?"

"Yes, just-" Javi laughed nervously "I, uh, I also bought... other stuff?"

Yuzuru narrowed his eyes, not really understanding; Javi's ears turned red as he reached with one hand for a small paper bag he had brought, and when Yuzuru looked inside he felt both like laughing and kissing Javi senseless.

"You sure?" Yuzuru asked, sliding his hand down Javi's spine and then back up "Because-" he bit his tongue, remembering what Javi had said about his experience with men "We can take it slow. As slow as you want."

Maybe Javi was more experienced with love and relationships, but when it was coming to that, Yuzuru was the one to take the lead for now.

"I-" Javi licked his lips slowly, and then leaned forward, his lips only mere centimetres from Yuzuru's, and he took a deep, shaky breath "I want you to have me. I want to- I want to feel that I'm yours."

It came out almost desperate and pleading, and Yuzuru's heart stuttered with all the emotions he was feeling.

"You're mine and I am yours." Yuzuru whispered, kissing Javi quick and hard before scrambling to his feet and tugging Javi's hand, forcing him to do the same. He opened his mouth, but there were so many things he wanted to say he didn't know which words too choose. So he just shook his head a little and cupped Javi's cheek, enjoying the short stubble under his fingers.

They moved to the bed, kneeling in front of each other and touching each other slowly, fingertips brushing their features, shyly sliding under their clothes. It felt like the first time, or how the first time should look like, cherishing each other slowly, with care, learning the lines of their bodies.

The room was getting darker with every moment, only the few last rays of the setting sun scattering the floor with orange dots. Javi smiled, a bit sheepishly, and reached for the night lamp, turning it on.

"I want to see you." he said simply, and Yuzuru's heart swelled with love and fondness.

"I'm right here." He whispered, sliding his palms under Javi's t-shirt "I'm here, and not going."

Javi's eyes turned a little blurry, the lightests of shadows running through his face, and then he leaned in to kiss Yuzuru again, deep and slow and hot.

It felt like hours, hours filled with kisses and slowly shifting around and peeling each other's clothes off until they were both completely naked, Javi lying on his back and looking at Yuzuru with all the trust in the world.

"So-" Yuzuru hummed quietly, pressing his hand to Javi's stomach, feeling his strong muscles "Are you sure?"

Javi smiled at that, bright and honest, and covered Yuzuru's hand with his.

"I am."

He sounded sure and excited, and Yuzuru just had to kiss him again, which was a bit difficult since they both were grinning like idiots. Then there was a moment of fumbling as Yuzuru had to find the lube and condoms, which were still in the bag lying somewhere on the floor.

With all the necessities in hands, Yuzuru kneeled next to Javi, and he felt the weight and importance of what was going to happen, and thinking about it made him a little bit breathless.

"Okay." he swallowed hard, touching Javi's hip "Turn on your side for me?"

Javi did what he asked, and Yuzuru lay down next to him so they were facing each other, and Yuzuru couldn't help but lean in for another kiss, drawn to Javi's lips, addicted to his taste, his warmth.

"We're going to do it very slow." Yuzuru whispered against Javi's mouth "And if you feel like slower, tell me. Okay?"

"Okay." Javi whispered, his hand curling against Yuzuru's chest "Your heart is beating very fast."

"I know." Yuzuru chuckled, and patted Javi's leg "Can you- like that." he instructed, guiding Javi to wrap his leg around Yuzuru's waist "Good."

He uncapped the lube, spreading a generous amount on his fingers and reaching behind Javi, eyes never leaving his face. He started pushing the first finger in very slowly, carefully, and Javi scrunched his nose at the sensation, his body tensing a little.

"Everything good?" Yuzuru asked and Javi smiled, nodding.

"Just a bit weird." He chuckled, "But I think I like it." he added playfully, and Yuzuru smiled with relief.

He covered Javi's face with kisses as he kept on with his ministrations, soon adding the second finger, moving slowly but with purpose, watching Javi with hunger coiling in his stomach, arousal growing heavier and heavier.

"Oh. Ohh." Javi gasped, his eyelids fluttering, lips falling open "That's, ah-" "Good?" Yuzuru asked lowly, changing the angle a little bit, and Javi yelped, his hips jerking a little, and Yuzuru grinned to himself as he kept on slowly brushing against Javi's prostate.

"Mh- mhh." Javi mumbled, barely coherent already "Oh god, I, please-"

Yuzuru muffled his little whines with a kiss that seemed to last forever, and then he finally withdrew his fingers, pecking Javi's lips one more time before getting on his knees again, taking a deep breath to calm himself down a bit. He was feeling hot and desperate, and all he wanted to do was to ease that ache in between his legs, but one look at Javi's face made his heart melt a little, despite the lust buzzing in his veins.

Javi was breathing hard, deep blush on his chest and neck, eyes big and shining as he was looking at Yuzuru with pure affection and want.

"Here." He said, a bit whiny but happy, opening his arms, and Yuzuru dived into his embrace and they kissed, wet and sloppy.

It became too good and too close way too fast, Javi squirming under him, letting out muffled whines as he was rolling his hips, seeking friction. It was hot and slick, and Yuzuru had to use all his willpower to draw back, sitting on his heels, because he really didn't want to come like that now. 

"Hey." Javi keened, reaching for Yuzuru greedily, pouting "Come back." 

"Shhh." Yuzuru cooed, caressing Javi's thigh "Don't worry. You trust me, right?" 

"Always." Javi breathed out, and Yuzuru understood how important it was to him, and how much Javi needed it, and Yuzuru needed that too, to seal their bodies and fates together. 

He gently turned Javi on his side again and positioned himself behind him, his stomach fluttering with anticipation. 

He didn't ask if Javi was ready, or if he was sure. There was no coming back now, and Yuzuru lined himself up, squeezing Javi's hip before pushing in very slowly and carefully. He propped himself on his elbow, so the angle was a bit better and he could also look at Javi's face, now scrunched in focus, but his eyes filled with anticipation. 

_ It was never like that _ Yuzuru thought dizzily as he slowly worked his way in, blood pulsing in his temples, and he gasped quietly as he pushed into the heat of Javi's body, feeling the sweet pressure around his cock, and he bit his lip, sweat running down his temple as he focused on keeping that torturous pace. Javi was breathing hard, but the sounds he was making were encouraging, his jaw slack with pleasure. 

"Good?" Yuzuru asked, lips brushing Javi's ear, and Javi hummed quietly, turning his head so their mouth could meet in a slow kiss. 

"Mhh- ah!" Javi whimpered when Yuzuru pushed inside once more, burying himself to the hilt. Javi's body shuddered, lips parting, and Yuzuru took the opportunity to kiss him deeper, licking into his mouth and tasting the little sounds of pleasure he was making. 

"Talk to me." He asked, his tone almost pleading, drawing back a little to look at Javi's face. 

"I-" Javi gasped, his eyelids fluttering as he tried to keep them open, to look at Yuzuru "This is… so much. I-" his words disappeared in his own cry as Yuzuru started moving, slow and shallow, his hand on Javi's hip keeping him steady. 

They were rocking against each other slowly, Javi pushing back against him, and they tried to keep on kissing until suddenly Javi cried out loudly, his head falling on the mattress, and Yuzuru could tell that he was close, he could feel it in the way Javi's muscles clenched around him. 

"That's good." He whispered, kissing Javi's neck while his hand slid down Javi's hip to his cock, stroking slowly “Okay?”

“‘m close.” Javi whined quietly, turning his face to nuzzle into the pillow, his body tensing, clearly on the brink of an orgasm. Yuzuru was close too, so close it was almost painful, but first he needed to be sure that Javi was taken care of. So he moved his hand to massage Javi's balls, and that was it. 

Javi's back arched, body shuddering as he came, Yuzuru's name falling from his lips over and over again until he went limp, breathing raggedly against the pillow. 

It took Yuzuru only a few sloppy thrusts to find his relief too, and it was hot and blinding and so perfect he felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and falling on Javi's shoulder. 

They stayed like that for a moment, minutes, maybe hours, bodies still joined, hands linked and curled against Javi's chest. The air was hot and heavy, their bodies covered with sweat, and Yuzuru didn't want to move ever, dizzy and weak and breathless. 

But then Javi shifted a little, letting out a quiet whimper, and Yuzuru slowly came back to his senses. Carefully, he rolled on his back, quickly getting rid of the condom and reaching for the box of tissues standing on the night table and then going back to Javi. 

"Hey." He muttered, his voice hoarse "You okay?" 

Javi rolled on his back, opening his eyes with difficulty, and he smiled, lazy and bright and sunny. 

"Mhh." he hummed, then wincing slightly when Yuzuru started cleaning him up a bit. 

"Sorry." Yuzuru murmured sheepishly, getting the job done quickly and then fitting himself next to Javi, resting his head on his shoulder and wrapping one leg around his waist. 

It was quiet, and perfect, Javi's strong heartbeat under his palm, warm breath against his temple. Yuzuru still felt little sparks of pleasure jumping inside his stomach and chest, his muscles fluttering. 

"Huh." Javi mumbled and Yuzuru made an effort to raise on his elbow to look at him properly. 

"Hmm?" he asked eloquently, leaning to kiss Javi's jaw, already missing his taste, tangy and addicting. 

"Just… thank you." 

Yuzuru froze, his heart stuttering, and he drew back a little to have a good look at Javi's face. 

Javi was still smiling, now softer than before, and he reached to cup Yuzuru's cheek. 

"What?" Javi asked teasingly, playful sparks playing in his eyes. 

Yuzuru shook his head and leaned in for a brief kiss. 

"I love you." He whispered against Javi's lips, and Javi sighed quietly, his fingers tangling in Yuzuru’s hair. 

"I know." He whispered back "I truly know." 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is guys, last chapter of this story! I hope you'll enjoy, and biggest thanks to Mary_the_gardener for betaing!

"Do you think we should tell Brian?"

Javi tilted his head a little, munching on his fries before taking a sip of his his drink and sighing quietly.

"It's your choice, Yuzu. I'm not his student anymore so… I'd tell him, I guess, but it's okay if you don't feel like it yet.

They were sitting in a small diner near Javi's hotel, at a small table hidden in a dim corner. It was a part of their everyday life now, eating together at an hour that some time earlier would have been way too late for Yuzuru, but now everything was different. Now, right after practice he was taking Javi's hand, letting him lead Yuzuru to all the places he hadn't visited in the past seven years.

Javi would take him for a walk, to a coffee shop, to a park. His eyes were warm and full of light and through them Yuzuru was finally slowly discovering the beauty of that city he had been living in for so long. And he loved that, he loved those long hours and the way Javi's face was brightening up with all the happy memories.

But he also loved when they slowly went back to Javi's hotel, where they would keep on discovering each other in that new way too.

And they talked. They talked a lot, in buses, under the covers, and in that quiet corner of some restaurant. Yuzuru was learning so much about Javi now, things that had used to be invisible to him, but now Javi was sharing them so easily, even if the things he was talking about weren't exactly pleasant.

And they talked about the future too, bit by bit, because it was their future now, something they shared and had to work for together, and that was why Yuzuru had touched that topic now.

"I think he suspects something." He said, thinking about Brian's peculiar expression from the day before "But I think… I think he should know. He is…" He stumbled on the words, and Javi smiled at him, gentle and understanding.

"He's safe." He said warmly "Brian's safe."

"He is." Yuzuru nodded, his throat just a little bit tight.

They had to think about it carefully, now. Whom could they trust enough with their secret, because Yuzuru couldn't have the world knowing, not yet. He didn't need even more attention and spotlight, and Javi didn't need that either. He deserved the warmth and calmness of retirement, and Yuzuru would have done anything to protect him.

And one of the best things about Javi was that he understood, and that he accepted it, believing Yuzuru's promise that it wouldn't last forever.

"What?" Yuzuru asked, because Javi was smiling even wider now, with that kind of smile Yuzuru still couldn't really decipher yet.

"Nothing." Javi shrugged, but then smiled even wider "Just… you look really nice."

His smile was a bit sly and Yuzuru felt himself blushing a little. He was wearing Javi's hoodie, washed out and soft, and he was feeling warm and comfortable, and safe.

"You look nice too." He said and Javi made a face at him, a small smirk forming on his lips.

"Yeah?" He asked teasingly, "You should tell me that more."

"You've got it." Yuzuru chuckled and Javi grinned even wider.

"I'll remember that."

Javi looked good indeed, maybe better than ever. He was wearing a simple t- shirt, glasses on his nose, just a shadow of stubble on his jaw. He looked relaxed and happy, and Yuzuru could barely believe that man was really his, now.

"What's that?" Javi asked, bringing Yuzuru out from his daze, tilting his head curiously.

"Nothing. Just..." Yuzuru shrugged "I'm happy."

Javi sighed at that, deep and happy, his grin softening as he leaned across the table, his hand coming to cup Yuzuru's face.

"That's good." Javi whispered before kissing Yuzuru on the lips, silencing his surprised gasp. It lasted only a few short moments, but when Javi drew back, sitting on his chair properly, Yuzuru's breathing was already a bit faster, his cheeks warm.

"You're terrible." He complained breathlessly and Javi only sticked his tongue at him before going back to finish the last few fries on his plate.

It was another thing Yuzuru was still learning, the open signs of affection, something they could allow themselves to have only there, in Canada, under the safe dim light of pubs and streetlights. Because almost everywhere else, it wasn't an option, not yet at least, because Yuzuru chose to believe that soon it would all be different. Soon, when Yuzuru would have reached all his goals, there would be nothing standing in between them, no people, no medals he would be desperate to get.

Because in the end, Javi was his ultimate prize.

"I love you." He said without thinking, and Javi blinked quickly before laughing, low and happy.

"I know." He said softly "I love you too."

"I figured." Yuzuru murmured, reaching across the table to take Javi's hand, entwining their fingers together.

"I always knew you were a smart one." Javi said, his words teasing but the tone of his voice soft. "I'm glad you figured that out."

"Me too." Yuzuru said quietly, his heart swelling with the love and fondness he was feeling. "Me too."

* * *

In the end, they didn't even have to tell Brian, not exactly.

They were managing to keep everything as professional as possible during all those trainings they had together, exchanging smiles and looks that they were hoping looked just friendly for all the other people. But then it was suddenly Javi's last day in Toronto, and Yuzuru couldn't really stay away. His eyes were drawn to Javi, and it was physically impossible not to look at him every few seconds, his stomach churning weirdly, heart stuttering, as if his body was missing Javi already.

He was distracted and he knew it, almost tripping a few times, stumbling through his landings. He was a bit annoyed with himself, for letting his feelings affect his training, but at the same time, skating felt a little bit less important than on any other day.

It was Javi's last day there, and then he would go to Japan, and to Spain, and there would be an ocean between them, and Yuzuru had no idea when they would meet each other again. It was a new kind of uncertainty, something Yuzuru had never felt before, that special mix of sadness and hope and anticipation. They had made a lot of promises during the past few days, and Yuzuru had all the intentions to keep them, and he knew he could trust Javi with that too.

Still, he was distracted, his moves not really coordinated, so he wasn't even surprised when he finally fell on a triple axel, in quite an embarrassing way. He scoffed, annoyed with himself, cold quickly seeping through his clothes and right into his skin, and before he could move, there was a familiar scraping of blades close to him, and then there was Javi, smiling at him with soft concern.

"You okay?" He asked, bending down a little to take Yuzuru's hands and pull him up, a gesture they had exchanged a million times before.

Javi pulled Yuzuru up with ease, one hand coming to rest on his hip to steady him. His eyes were warm and searching, and Yuzuru couldn't help but stare into those beautiful eyes of his, dark, gentle, with long eyelashes and the kindest expression, and Yuzuru's body acted on its own, hand reaching to touch Javi's jaw, just a brief brush of fingertips, and it felt as if they were alone, only the two of them in the middle of an endless sheet of ice.

And then, the awkward sound of Brian clearing his throat, and Yuzuru snapped back to reality. Javi didn't let go of him, though, one hand still gripping Yuzuru's hip, other one wrapped around his wrist loosely; still, they both turned to look at Brian, who was watching them with a puzzled expression, his head tilted a little in wonder.

"He's okay." Javi said, giving Brian his most charming smile "So, what are we doing now?"

Brian just kept on looking at them for a few moments before shaking his head a little, his expression unreadable. But then he sighed deeply, shoulders relaxing, and there was a smile growing on his lips, still concerned but soft.

"Now, we're getting a few minutes break." Brian said "Yuzu, can you come to my office for a minute?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, giving Javi one more smile and getting the warmest one in return.

"So." Brian cleared his throat when five minutes later him and Yuzuru were alone in his office "So, you and Javi?"

"Me and Javi." Yuzuru nodded, wondering if Brian was really surprised, or if he was just playing some part. "I hope it's okay, with you. Because it's not going to change."

"It is okay." Brian said, his voice gentle "I just want you… I want you both to be happy. So be careful, okay?"

"Don't worry, Brian." Yuzuru smiled "We've got this."

"Okay." Brian nodded, clearly relieved "I trust you, guys. Just… take care of each other."

"That's what we do, Brian." Yuzuru said, his heart fluttering "That's exactly what we do."

* * *

"You sure it's okay?" Javi asked as they slowly walked towards Yuzuru's house, his suitcase bouncing on the patchy pavement "I don't want to bother-"

"Come on." Yuzuru smiled encouragingly "Mom suggested it herself. And it will be easier to get to the airport from here."

It wasn't exactly true, the transportation part, but Yuzuru's mother indeed had said that she would love to have Javi over for dinner. She had also made it clear she wouldn't mind Javi staying over, since he had an early flight, so that was why they were both walking to Yuzuru's house, the sky clear and a deep shade of blue, dusk covering the world with its blanket.

Yuzuru could tell that Javi was a bit nervous, even though he was trying to play it cool. Still, Yuzuru knew him too well, and he could see that little shadow in his eyes, or the way his fingers clutched the handle of his suitcase tightly.

"Hey." Yuzuru said softly when they stopped in front of the door, and he touched Javi's shoulder to make him look at him "It's going to be okay. You know she likes you."

"I know, I know." Javi said, still trying to play cool "What's there not to like, right?"

"Exactly." Yuzuru smiled, leaning forward to brush his lips against Javi's in a short kiss before he pushed the door and entered the house, Javi following him closely.

All Javi's fears were wiped out the second Yuzuru's mother approached him, a soft smile on her face, her arms open. Javi gaped a little, clearly surprised by that display of affection, but he quickly relaxed, giving her a warm hug and then easily falling into casual conversation.

The dinner was comfortable, the food tasty and light, and Yuzuru couldn't help but smile when he saw how Javi was clearly relaxed, and how his mom's smile was gentle and honest. And just like that Yuzuru's thoughts went all the way into the future, when he would introduce Javi to his father and Saya, and all the family, and he tried to imagine the day they wouldn't have to hide anymore.

It would happen, one day. But until then, Yuzuru would cherish the little things, like the way Javi laughed at his mother's really unfunny joke in English. Everything was warm and surprisingly familiar, and when Yumi said that it was probably the time to go to sleep, Yuzuru flinched, surprised. And then he caught his mother's glance and his cheeks went hot, because her smile was smug and knowing, her eyes twinkling playfully.

"Goodnight." she said, her gaze catching Yuzuru's before she looked at Javi "If I don't wake up to see you before leave- it was great to see you, Javi. Good luck on your competition, and I hope you will come back soon."

"Me too." Javi smiled "I will try my best to visit as soon as I can."

She nodded, smiling softly and wishing them goodnight one more time before heading to her bedroom. When the door to her room closed, Yuzuru took Javi's hand, suddenly fully realizing that they had only a few hours together left, and then they would have to say their goodbyes too.

"So-" Javi chuckled shortly, and Yuzuru realized he had drifted away for a moment "Are you going to take me to your room?"

He was smiling, and his hand was warm and comforting, and Yuzuru promised himself to cherish every moment, every second they could spend together.

It was the first time someone was staying the night in Yuzuru's bed. It felt a little bit odd, to have someone lying on his sheets, steady breath fanning over his ear, and maybe it was part of the reasons Yuzuru couldn't fall asleep, his eyes fixed on Javi's face, drinking in every small detail.

Javi had fallen asleep pretty quickly, clearly losing his battle with sleep, despite trying his best to stay awake and engage Yuzuru in some light conversation, as if he wanted to take his mind off of the fact that he would be leaving so soon. And a part of Yuzuru wished that they could just spend the whole night talking and hugging, but at the same time, it was pretty amazing like that too. 

Javi was breathing calmly, his long eyelashes casting fluttering shadows on his face, just a few inches away from Yuzuru. Everything was warm and quiet, and just like it should, and Yuzuru didn’t care that a sleepless night would mean a hard training the next day, or that maybe someone would consider it a bit creepy, staring like that. 

But Yuzuru truly didn’t care, too invested in trying to memorize Javi’s scent, his warmth, each small line around his eyes, because the next time they would see each other, there would be new things to learn, to compare. 

Yuzuru smiled, feeling his chest growing incredibly tight, but not for any bad reason. It felt like coming back on the ice after long days off, happy, excited, with just the smallest shade of longing. The last weeks had been a roller coaster, and Yuzuru knew it was truly only the beginning, and things would get harder, but he was sure that it would also be more worth it with every passing day. 

He must have fallen asleep, because suddenly he was brought back to reality by a loud ringing somewhere close to his ear. He groaned, feeling exhausted and sleepy, but he opened his eyes widely when Javi fumbled out of the bed quickly, searching for the loud thing frantically.

“It fell on the floor.” He murmured apologetically, straightening up and smiling widely before yawning “Uh, sorry. I will got to the bathroom real quick, I will be really quiet.”

“My mom has heavy sleep.” Yuzuru said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes “I will be in the kitchen. We don’t have coffee, I hope tea is okay?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take anything if it’s warm.” Javi chuckled and then leaned down to kiss Yuzuru’s forehead “I will be back in a minute.”

The house was so incredibly quiet at that early hour, Yuzuru’s mother still deeply asleep as he paced to the kitchen. He set the water to boil and took a moment to wonder what to get Javi for breakfast. He already knew that Javi would pout a little, not really keen on eating while still being half asleep, but Yuzuru wouldn’t let him leave without at least the smallest of meals. He decided on a miso soup his mom had prepared a day earlier, and when Javi walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, a simple yet tasty breakfast was already waiting for him. 

“Thank you.” Javi said, taking Yuzuru’s hand and squeezing it before sitting down, glancing at the clock and sighing “Should have set the alarm for a bit earlier.”

Yuzuru only smiled, used to hearing that for the past week when Javi was waking up with difficulty, untangling himself from Yuzuru’s embrace slowly and whining that he would be late for training or whatever it was on his schedule. But today Javi was surprisingly quiet, eating his food with focus, looking up every few moments to catch Yuzuru’s gaze. 

Maybe it should have looked a bit different, and maybe there should have been more words, more hugs, maybe even some tears. It was surprising even to Yuzuru, how calm he was feeling. Because maybe Javi had to leave, but it didn’t mean that something was ending. Actually, it was the other way around. 

They held hands as they slowly walked to the front door, but Yuzuru let go when Javi had to put on his shoes, watching him silently, and feeling a million of butterflies fluttering in his stomach. 

“Good luck.” He said when Javi looked at him again, fingers curling gently against Yuzuru’s collarbone “Have a safe flight, and let me know when you land.”

“I will.” Javi said, eyes twinkling behind his glasses “You know I will be calling you every day now, right?”

“Terrible. Can we switch to texts?” Yuzuru asked before chuckling quietly “I count on these calls.”

“Good.” Javi murmured, his hand moving to cup Yuzuru’s cheek “You stay safe too, okay? Take good care of yourself.”

“I will. Promise.” 

Javi nodded, his expression gentle and still a little bit sleepy as he leaned in to give Yuzuru a short, sweet kiss, a simple brush of lips that felt like perfection. 

“Goodbye.” Javi said as he draw back, taking the handle of his suitcase and giving Yuzuru one more smile, “You better think about me a lot when I’m gone.” he added as he started walking backward, dragging his suitcase a bit awkwardly, but he was clearly determined to look at Yuzuru as long as he could.

“That’s my reality already!” Yuzuru exclaimed, grinning when he heard Javi’s laugh laughter, the sound warm and vibrant in the empty street. 

Yuzuru watched as the car with Javi disappeared after a turn, and quietly came back to his room. He wasn’t really sleepy anymore, but he lay down anyway. The bed was still a little bit warm and when he nuzzled his face against the pillow, he could smell the faint scent of Javi’s mint shampoo. 

Yuzuru smiled to himself and closed his eyes. 

Soon, he would see Javi again. And until then, he had plenty of things to dream about. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, what do you think? Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
